Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
