By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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