Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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