I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize