Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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