ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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