my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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