if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
