I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
