he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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