I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
