um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize