i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize