i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
