i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
