The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
