ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
