sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
