Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
