I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
