I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
