did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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