Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
