true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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