Where did you get a picture of my penis
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
