Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
