i jhust puked up my retainher.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
