census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
