my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
