(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
