Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
