pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I will pee on everything he values.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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