she woke up with a sticky ear
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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