I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
