he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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