the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
