shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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