Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
