I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
