looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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