Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
