Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
