my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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