i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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