Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
