OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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