I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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