Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The air taste purple.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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