Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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