turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
