i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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