my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
