I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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