you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
