the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
