So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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