I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
please don't ironically join a cult
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
