you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you told grandpa to call you daddy
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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