I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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