Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
