i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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